


Down and Out

by ienablu



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Drift Side Effects, F/M, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:49:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ienablu/pseuds/ienablu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You meet Chuck Hansen when you are thirteen years old and he is twelve years old.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down and Out

**Author's Note:**

> Different sources for the extended universe sometimes list different facts, so this is a combination of the ones that worked best. Also, thanks to my dash, for giving a snippet a quick look-over.
> 
> And a content/labelling note: while there are characters having sex at the age of sixteen, the scene is not that explicit, and the characters are of or over the age of consent in their respective countries and the country they are in at the time, hence why I didn't label it as underage.

There is a candlelight vigil for Stacker Pentecost and Chuck Hansen in the Hong Kong Shatterdome. It's been two days since Operation Pitfall, each day the grief grows deeper, and, holding a candle in your hand, you mourn.

 

\- - -

 

You meet Chuck Hansen when you are thirteen years old and he is twelve years old. You do not think much of him, nor does he seem to think much of you. He stands behind his father, hovering in his shadow, arms crossed, expression pinched.

You do not talk much, to him or anyone else.

You leave Hong Kong for six months, touring to-be established and then recently-established Shatterdomes with Sensei. You stay by his side for as long as you can, then study quietly by yourself when he needs to attend his duties alone. You are growing fluent in English, and growing accustomed to packing your possessions into two cardboard boxes.

When you return to Hong Kong, Chuck has turned thirteen, and has been gifted a small bulldog.

Max trots over, sniffing at your shoes. You ask if you may pet him, and Mr. Hansen gently elbows Chuck into saying yes. You crouch down, and Max starts panting as you pet him, his eyes rolling closed when you scratch him under the chin.

Chuck still doesn't like you, but Max does, and so you seek Max out

The two youngest occupants of the Shatterdome, you are given to the same tutor. You take tidy notes and ask follow-up questions, while Chuck mumbles his answers, grumbles his "don't know"s, doodles on his worksheets.

You spend most of your free time in your quarters, because Sensei told you not to wander around alone. A week into your stay, on your way to see Chuck and Max, you find the loophole; if you were with Chuck, you would not be alone.

Max is on his back, and you're crouched down next to him. Chuck is on his bed, sprawled on his back, watching you.

"Have you ever been down to the jaeger bay?" you ask, while rubbing Max's stomach.

"Loads of times," he replies, sounding excited in a way he never sounds during lessons or during your prior visits. He tilts his head, looks at her through suspicious eyes. "Why?"

"I want to pilot a jaeger," you tell him. It's the first time you've ever said it out loud, but it's a thought that has been pulsing stronger and stronger for the past six months. The thought makes your heart beat faster, your palms sweat. You want to pilot a jaeger, you want to save the world, "More than anything," you add.

"Well, I _am_ going to pilot a jaeger," he says, with all the surety of a thirteen year old boy. He rolls off his bed, and grabs your hand, tugging you down unfamiliar hallways. He talks the entire way there, about how the Jaeger Academy doesn't have an age limitation on who can join, his dad doesn't want him to become a pilot, but Chuck is going to, there's no other possible option.

You nod, say, "I know. I feel it too."

He looks at you. He frowns, for a second, then nods. And then he's tugging you over to an observation deck, your legs dangling over the edge, the Shatterdome stretching out in front of you. It makes your heart race.

Chuck lives here, hangs off the jaeger-techs during their lunch breaks, and he eagerly rattles off information about each jaeger, pointing at them in turn. You ask follow-up questions, and Chuck answers enthusiastically; when he doesn't have an answer for you, he frowns a bit, but he starts explaining what he thinks an option may be. He asks you for your ideas, and you two try and work out an answer.

Hours pass.

You make a point Chuck hadn't considered, and he smiles at you.

You smile back.

 

\- - -

 

You wake up the next morning alone and with tear tracks fresh on your face. You dress and make your way down to the cafeteria, and you don't mention the dreams to Mako.

 

\- - -

 

You go months without seeing Chuck. Sensei is the highest authority in the PPDC, and he visits the Shatterdomes on a rotation, spending three and a half weeks at each location, five if they're newly opened.

You spend your days with an assigned tutor. Although you are nervous at first, you start talking to the jaeger technicians, asking as many questions as you can. A few appreciate your enthusiasm, and one gives you a newly broken radio, and talks you through how to fix it. Sensei does too, when you start bringing small electronics to fix during your evenings togethers. He's good at fixing things, and you are too.

You finish your grade level months in advance, and Sensei asks if there's anything you want added to your curriculum. You've looked into the Jaeger Academy's admittance and graduation requirements; you don't need to know martial arts to be admitted, but it is encouraged. Sensei takes a few days to agree, but then an hour of practice is added before dinner.

Weeks pass.

The Sydney Shatterdome opens in May, and Sensei smiles when you ask if Chuck will be there.

He is. 

When he and his father come to greet you at the small airfield, Chuck gives you a month-late birthday present. It's a maneki-neko. 

You don't spend a lot of time together, as his schooling has not gone as quickly, and you are tutored in the morning, and he is tutored in the afternoon. Him and his father are sometimes invited to have dinner in Sensei's quarters, but you otherwise spend your evenings training.

You continue traveling with Sensei. The maneki-neko is the first thing you unpack and the last thing you pack.

You visit Sydney again in September, when you give Chuck his own month-late birthday present. It's just a dog toy for Max, but he smiles wide as he opens it and hugs you after.

Your heart hammers in your chest, and when he pulls back he is flushed a bright pink. You are blushing, and you feel awkward, and think perhaps it is for the best you don't see each other much. Only he has caught up to you in schoolwork, and so you spend your mornings being tutored, then your afternoons with him giving you a tour of the areas of the Sydney Shatterdome he knows, and you two exploring the areas after that he doesn't. The awkwardness fades in days, only to return the afternoon before you and Sensei leave, when he says he'll miss you. He is blushing again and your stomach is fluttering.

You call Tamsin at five o'clock in the afternoon, eight o'clock in the evening in Honolulu. She answers, and listens as you talk and ask questions about what's been going on the last month. She laughs, and says she hopes Chuck takes more after his father than his uncle, and doesn't explain what it means. She just tells you to do what feels right, and to speak up if something doesn't.

You share one last lesson with Chuck, and you explore the Shatterdome one last time. On one of the observation platforms, he stands close to you, and, after a moment, presses in closer.

Chuck kisses you, and a fluttering warmth spreads from your stomach down to your toes.

It feels right.

You kiss him back.

 

\- - -

 

Herc invites you and Mako to a memorial service in Sydney for Chuck. Mako accepts, and you can't look Herc in the eye.

 

\- - -

 

You don't kiss Chuck the next time you see him, because your fathers are there. But as they lead the way into the Shatterdome, Chuck falls in step with you, laces his fingers with yours. He tells you in a whisper that he likes your blue highlights.

He stays with you in your temporary quarters, while you wait for your two cardboard boxes of possessions to be unloaded from the plane. You talk and catch up on the small things, him talking about everything going on at the Sydney Shatterdome, while you talk about everything going on at the others you have visited. Your boxes arrive, and Chuck smiles when you pull out the maneki-neko. He apologizes because Max had destroyed the dog toy you had gotten him. 

Chuck has started training in hanbojutsu, and you start training together. Sensei does not think you two should start sparring yet, and so you spend hours drilling. Chuck is bored, Chuck wants to fight. Chuck complains and you listen, a small smile on your face, but focus on your form.

Sensei corrects Chuck's form, and switches to Japanese when he suggests you strengthen your stance. Sensei ends the session, but you stay to do another set, and Chuck stays to watch you.

He kisses you chastely the night before you leave.

The next time you meet, you are fifteen and Chuck is fifteen, and it's hot in Australia in the middle of January.

Chuck is wearing a flimsy athletic shirt that clings tight to his sweat-glistened skin. The observation makes heat pool high in your cheeks and deep in your stomach.

He has become more serious about his training, and Sensei grants your permission to spar.

Other than going through a few movements, you have not sparred with anyone before. The first clack of the hanbo startles you, but immediately you're hit by adrenaline. You are hyper-aware of Chuck's movements, and you have drilled yourself enough where you respond instinctively.

You take the first point and the second.

Chuck is frustrated by defeat, even momentary ones. His gaze on you becomes intent, heated, and you find your attention drawn to the way his calf slides against yours on his next strike.

Chuck takes his first point, and Sensei chides for more control.

You take a breath in, and focus. You have the upper hand, but with more practice you think you would be evenly matched. You take your third point, he takes his second, you take the winning point. In the process, your bodies touch seven times and nearly touch a dozen times, and you are glad when Sensei dismisses you. You hurry to the doors to the lockers, but your hand is just a centimeter away from the handle when there's a hand on your shoulder, turning you around, and Chuck is pressing his mouth against yours.

This is not chaste, and you do not want it to be.

You break the kiss, looking over his shoulder to make sure Sensei has left. He has. You wrap your hand around Chuck's neck, pull him in, bite at his bottom lip. His breath catches, and he presses you up against the door. 

His hand finds the hem of your shirt, and slips under it. You freeze at the feeling of his fingertips on your skin. It's too much, too fast. You pull back again, breathing quickly. He looks concerned, and after a moment you manage to say, "Not yet."

He looks disappointed, but he masks it quickly. He presses in for another kiss, but then steps back.

You barely see each other for the remainder of your time there.

When you and Sensei return to Sydney, Mr. Hansen is there waiting for you. You think Chuck may be avoiding you, but instead Mr. Hansen mentions to Sensei that Chuck isn't taking too kindly to Alaska.

That night you plead your case to apply to the Jaeger Academy. Sensei tells you that you are ready yet. You do not cry until you have left his quarters.

You spend your three and a half weeks in Sydney getting to know Herc, working harder on your schoolwork, staying longer during your Kwoon practice, pleading your case to apply to the Jaeger Academy.

When you visit Alaska, it is for Sensei's posting at the Anchorage Shatterdome.

Chuck seeks you out quickly -- he has always been proud and boastful, but while the Sydney Shatterdome was used to it, the other Academy students do not take well to it. They're just jealous, he says, and he boasts that at sixteen, he is the youngest student there. You are also sixteen, and you do not take well to that declaration.

Towards the end of your conversation, he too-casually asks you if you're ready to spar again.

The Kwoon room is booked all hours of the days, but Chuck has a way to get into it after hours.

Chuck has practiced, he has gotten better, but you have worked just as hard as him; maybe harder, you think bitterly, as you take the first point.

Chuck scowls as you declare the score, body tensing and the heated look from last time returns.

You are hot from your anger and jealousy, and his body warm against the chilly air makes you hotter still.

After you take your third point, your second in a row, you kiss him. It's reckless and messy, and you wish you had waited until you scored your next point. It would have been yours, but you want this just as badly. You are angry with him, and you suspect he is angry as well, but he drops his hanbo to pull your body against his.

He fucks you on the mats, your clothes in a messy pile beside you. You rake your nails down his back, while his fingers clutch at your hips. Your hair ends up in his mouth when he kisses up your jaw and his dog tags swing against your neck with every thrust. You are getting closer and closer, and you wrap your legs around his waist and--

 

\- - -

 

You wake up hard and panting and burning with shame. You stumble to the shower, step into ice cold water, but the sensation of being fucked by Chuck is burned in your mind, the ghost sensation of his fingertips is burned on your hips, and you come with his name on your lips.

 

\- - -

 

Chuck graduates the Academy, high enough overall marks, but with the lowest drop/kill ratio of the class. You are on your way to Sydney, and Sensei tells you that Scott Hansen has been relieved of his title as Ranger, and that Herc will be upgraded to the new Striker Eureka, that Chuck will be tested as Herc's co-pilot. Sensei is worried, and wants to oversee the simulation.

It goes well enough, but Herc is testy afterwards, and Chuck stalks off. No one stops him.

You find him later in the Kwoon room. You have not spoken in some time, and you are burning with jealousy that he is a jaeger pilot; but you consider him a friend, and he needs to unwind. You take off your dress shirt, your socks and shoes, dress down to something to spar in.

His sparring defaulted to being offensive, but you do not remember him fighting this vicious. You raise your hanbo to block most attacks, but he gets a hit in to the outside of your thigh. You have only ever fought with combatants who scored no-contact points, and this is the first hit you've ever had. It stings.

His swings become sloppy, and you know he does not want to spar. You call the match off.

He kisses you. It's rough, and not pleasant.

You put a hand on his shoulder, push at him.

He presses back against you, tilting his head to deepen the kiss.

You frown, and take a step back. When he takes a step towards you, you say, "Chuck, stop."

He blinks, and a myriad of expressions flash over his face. He takes a step back, while his expression finally settles on panic.

"Are you alright?" you ask, hesitant. You did not do anything wrong, but something went wrong.

He doesn't reply, just stalks off.

Your relationship changes after that.

Sensei has a schedule for his rotation between Shatterdomes, but he always is relocated to the closest Shatterdome after a kaiju attack.

After his first kaiju kill, Chuck is insufferable, or at the very least you find him insufferable. The kaiju didn't make it past the Miracle Mile, there was no news footage of it, and so he gives you the play-by-play. When he describes in great detail how it felt when the first punch landed, you realize the fundamental difference between you: he wants to kill kaiju, you want to save the world.

Time goes on, and he does not get better.

You can understand Chuck's pride in being a jaeger pilot, in his jaeger, but his boasting of Striker soon turns into him insulting the jaegers that came before. He insults Coyote Tango, and you clench your hands into fists. You blink back the memories, and you swallow your fury.

You stop seeking him out when you visit Sydney, although you grow to miss Max.

Instead you ask to visit Oblivion Bay, where you stand at the foot of the remains of Coyote Tango and remember the last time you stood before her. She is not as badly damaged as other jaegers, and when you meet Sensei at the Los Angeles Shatterdome, you tell him you want to restore her.

"I thought you wanted to apply to the Jaeger Academy."

You stare at him, momentarily speechless. "I can do both," you finally manage to say.

"One thing at a time, Mako-san," he replies. He hands you an information pad with an application to the Jaeger Academy already loaded on it.

You apply and are accepted, you strive for perfection and you excel.

When you are not working on school work or training for Kwoon trials and Drift simulations, you sketch out restoration plans for Coyote Tango, then, after Knifehead, Gipsy Danger. You see that the loss of a Ranger and the loss of a jaeger has aged Sensei, the next time you vidcall him. But he smiles when you update him of your progress, he praises your simulator score. One of the brightest, he calls you.

When you graduate, you are at the top of your class. PPDC funding is running low, and no new jaegers have been made since Striker Eureka, and you know that you will not be assigned to a jaeger.

But then Sensei offers you a position with the PPDC, you accept, and you are assigned to restore Gipsy Danger.

You strive for perfection, and watch as she is slowly rebuilt, made better than new.

Funding runs even lower, and even with the strings Sensei is pulling behind the scenes, the Shatterdomes are given closing dates, one by one. You think about contacting Chuck, you know that the Sydney Shatterdome is the only home he has had for the past six years.

But you haven't talked in years, you are strangers.

You and Gipsy Danger are transported to Hong Kong.

The maneki-neko is the last thing you pack, the first thing you unpack.

But Chuck has become more of a braggart in the interim, and his comment about mediocre pilots ends any desire you had about contacting him. 

You only see him in glimpses and snatches, and you avoid him until you can't.

And then you listen as he calls you a bitch and you want to punch his face in. You think _More control_ , and you clench your fists but otherwise don't react. There are matters of greater importance, though, as you are grounded, until you aren't.

You save a city of millions, and then you are on the bottom of the ocean and fighting for your life and for the planet and for little girls with little red shoes.

The release hatch of the nuclear bomb on Striker Eureka is damaged.

You think of Chuck, but you love Sensei, and you tell him that. When Striker detonates, though, you mourn them both.

 

\- - -

 

You wake up alone with fresh tear tracks on your face, in a small apartment in Hong Kong, two weeks after Operation Pitfall. You breathe in deeply, and breathe back out, trying to focus yourself.

Mako is already up -- she's taken to your early mornings -- and in the kitchen, putting up dishes as quietly as she can.

She doesn't react when you enter the kitchen. She doesn't move away when you stand behind her.

You wrap your arms around her, and rest your forehead on the top of her head. You swallow, once, before you tell her, "I've been dreaming about Chuck."

"I thought it might be something like that," she says, quietly. You feel her breathing beneath your palms. "It was..."

There are a hundred ways for her to finish, and they are all true. "I know," you breathe into her hair. You pull her in closer. "I'm sorry."

"I know," she replies.

You huff a laugh into her hair. Faintly, you remember this with Yancy; wanting to talk but knowing every issue and every response and comfort is known. It was equal parts unsettling and comforting.

You remember the first few Drifts, living a life that is not your own. It was never like this, though -- Yancy was your brother, you grew up together. His story was what you expected it to be, you knew where the secrets were, and had been able to feel your way around the reveals together in the Drift. Here, you had known nothing, every single detail is new to you, and they continue to unfolding in your mind.

You stand like that, wrapped around her, drawing comfort from her. You had been able to push the memories away when you had greater concerns to worry about, but her memories had slipped through the Drift, and now they are flicking through your mind, a dizzying series of images, a dizzying pulse of emotions.

You are breathing slowly in sync.

"It will pass," she murmurs, quietly.

"Don't chase the rabbit," you reply.

She huffs a laugh, and presses back against you.

Time passes, and the memories slowly ebb.

"I understand," she says quietly, and you know she does.

 

\- - -

 

You loved Chuck, and you didn't. You miss him, sometimes, and then you don't, and you wonder about what could have been until you don't, because he's dead and there's nothing you can do.


End file.
